Dreaming...
I've always looked at you from afar. I've always tried not to think about you but I failed miserably. Today I am here again, looking how you talk and dance with your friends how you drink and laugh. I think you are broken, inside... but it is not true. You always liked to play with everyone's feelings, so I think you are just fine.
I walk away to go to the bathroom and to wash my hands, to look in the mirror and to see how pitiful I am, but when I come back I see what I never wanted to see... you kissing and dancing with my best friend. I know she is beautiful, gorgeous, and I am just an ugly potato, but it still hurts me. Anyway, I brush this feeling away, is about my best friend and I want her to be happy and if you will make her happy, then I am glad to let you have her.
I was descending the stairs when you looked me in the eyes still kissing her, my heart hurt and I wanted to cry, right there in that spot, to curl myself into a ball and cry, but I couldn't so, I did what I do best, I smiled and make a sign of ok with my hands.
I went to my other friend and she looked at me strange, like, WTF woman, go and take your man back, but then, I just smiled back and nodded that it is ok for me and I went to the bar. I wanted to get drunk, to forget about the world and boys and love and this sickness inside me, so I ordered tequila shots. 6 only for me. The bartender looked for my friends, but in the meantime I was already drinking all of them. He looked at me with a serious face and worried eyes. Usually he is just plain and with no expression, only for his tablet, but now he was staring at me looking for answers, he will never find or see.
His eyes were asking me if I am ok, I nodded and smiled again, like stupid, on repeat doing this freaking shit all over again. It was not the first nor the last time, so, I was just used of it.
I went back just to see them dancing more seductively grinning to each other, I got sick of my stomach. I wanted to puke right there in front of them, just for them to see how I felt, but I went to the bathroom, then outside to calm myself.
I was starting to freeze but I didn't care, I couldn't go back, I just couldn't. I knew she doesn't know about anything I feel. Almost all the time is the same, nobody knows how I feel, but she was my friend and I want her to be happy. My friend's happiness is my happiness too.
The other one went out for me and when she saw me she asked worried if I am ok. I was, outside, but inside... I was broke, again, in million of pieces.
She started to explain how our friend tried to see if he is worthed and all of that, but i couldn't buy such a big fat lie. I tried to get up, but I couldn't I was way too frozen so my mind went blurry for 5 seconds.
After I composed myself I just went back inside. The bar guy was at the entrance and he saw me, the same eyes more worried now were just looking at me. His friend was talking with him but he didn't hear anything, we was just staring.
When |I arrived back at my friend she was alone, the jerk left? Then I saw him back with some shots... I wanted to drink, but not from him, so I excused myself and went to the bar alone. I don't know how he got back to his post watching me. When I ordered he got angry and came to me.
- You are coming with me now! I was so socked so I couldn't move properly, he just dragged me outside. He put his jacket on my shoulders and he starred again. What the heck is in your stupid mind girl? he said to me.
- Ha? I couldn't form properly phrases.
Not because I was too socked, but because I my heart was beating so fast. I've waited for this moment since the first day I entered this club. I liked him... so much, but I knew he loves his tablet more than anything in this world so I just let him go. That guy was an obsession that my friends put inside my head. I don't think I even like him... I shook my head and looked back up. It is a dream right? But now he was shaking me so bad that I wanted to puke.
- Tell me, what the hell is inside your brain? Why do you drink yourself out for him? What did he do to be so good that you look at him in that way? He just wants to bang your best friend, why do you let him do it? Wake up and tell her! he was screaming so loud that everyone in the street was looking at us, even my friend from the entrance.
- She knows, I said and smiled. It is ok! I continued.
He just looked at me in disbelief. He couldn't believe me... ok? Hm...
- What is ok? You almost drowning yourself in alcohol because of him or almost getting killed by cold, for him? his face was red and his fingers were so deep in my flesh, but I felt no pain.
- This, you, doing this...
His hands got down and he looked at me again with that angry face.
- What is good in this? he made his eyes very small...
- Nothing! Oh my God! Let me alone... why everyone is asking me the same?! I am OK! I will always be. Why you don't believe it? If she is ok with him, let her be! It is her life, maybe he is a good guy, maybe they will be in love, and have kids, and make a family and everything will work good for them, I don't need to interfere, I am OK!
He kissed me when I got without air. He... he... the one I dreamed so much about, kissed me. My heart was bumbing and wanting to go out of my chest.
I was so happy, then I realized the whole idea and I pushed him.
- Why did you do it? I asked him with my big eyes searching for an answer on his face, but I couldn't find any.
- I just... wanted to make you shut up! You were talking too much nonsense. Saying how much you like him made me angry... he looked away from me.
- Me, like him?? I think you heard bad. I just told you that I don't like him! I just... I thought that was like, but it wasn't. I realized something else... I... I know who am I and what am I, I know nobody will look at me the way I look at them. For them I am just a sex toy, a puppet someone they use and throw. I just get attached of someone to pass the time, I don't like him! He was a creation of my friends. My imagination... it's complicated to explain, but, he... is not what I want, or like.
- I don't understand, he told me trying not to laugh, but his gummy stupid smile appeared anyway. He had such a wired smile, but so cute. I like you, even if you don't like anyone. I do like you and you are not what you say you are. Of course I regret that you left with so many boys and all, but I cannot change the past, I can only hope I can change the future. He hugged me tight and I smiled hugging him back.
- You stupid! I didn't say I don't like anyone. I don't like him... but I do like you. Since the first day I put my foot inside this bar.
- What? When... who? Me?? Why?? he was so surprised that I laughed.
- Because you have all I want from a man as appearance and the loneliness I want to find and to complete. When you posted that you want to find love I was so sad, because I knew someday you will find it, but it won't be me. Now, I think Christmas miracles exist.
He kissed me again and made me forget every bad thing that happened until that moment. He can be the one I could spend my lifetime with... I don't know why, but this kind of dream is what I want for my Christmas. Every year since I was little. My prince charming on his white horse...
Unfortunately, dreams are only for hoping, for living in the night... they are not real.
A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.
I walk away to go to the bathroom and to wash my hands, to look in the mirror and to see how pitiful I am, but when I come back I see what I never wanted to see... you kissing and dancing with my best friend. I know she is beautiful, gorgeous, and I am just an ugly potato, but it still hurts me. Anyway, I brush this feeling away, is about my best friend and I want her to be happy and if you will make her happy, then I am glad to let you have her.
I was descending the stairs when you looked me in the eyes still kissing her, my heart hurt and I wanted to cry, right there in that spot, to curl myself into a ball and cry, but I couldn't so, I did what I do best, I smiled and make a sign of ok with my hands.
I went to my other friend and she looked at me strange, like, WTF woman, go and take your man back, but then, I just smiled back and nodded that it is ok for me and I went to the bar. I wanted to get drunk, to forget about the world and boys and love and this sickness inside me, so I ordered tequila shots. 6 only for me. The bartender looked for my friends, but in the meantime I was already drinking all of them. He looked at me with a serious face and worried eyes. Usually he is just plain and with no expression, only for his tablet, but now he was staring at me looking for answers, he will never find or see.
His eyes were asking me if I am ok, I nodded and smiled again, like stupid, on repeat doing this freaking shit all over again. It was not the first nor the last time, so, I was just used of it.
I went back just to see them dancing more seductively grinning to each other, I got sick of my stomach. I wanted to puke right there in front of them, just for them to see how I felt, but I went to the bathroom, then outside to calm myself.
I was starting to freeze but I didn't care, I couldn't go back, I just couldn't. I knew she doesn't know about anything I feel. Almost all the time is the same, nobody knows how I feel, but she was my friend and I want her to be happy. My friend's happiness is my happiness too.
The other one went out for me and when she saw me she asked worried if I am ok. I was, outside, but inside... I was broke, again, in million of pieces.
She started to explain how our friend tried to see if he is worthed and all of that, but i couldn't buy such a big fat lie. I tried to get up, but I couldn't I was way too frozen so my mind went blurry for 5 seconds.
After I composed myself I just went back inside. The bar guy was at the entrance and he saw me, the same eyes more worried now were just looking at me. His friend was talking with him but he didn't hear anything, we was just staring.
When |I arrived back at my friend she was alone, the jerk left? Then I saw him back with some shots... I wanted to drink, but not from him, so I excused myself and went to the bar alone. I don't know how he got back to his post watching me. When I ordered he got angry and came to me.
- You are coming with me now! I was so socked so I couldn't move properly, he just dragged me outside. He put his jacket on my shoulders and he starred again. What the heck is in your stupid mind girl? he said to me.
- Ha? I couldn't form properly phrases.
Not because I was too socked, but because I my heart was beating so fast. I've waited for this moment since the first day I entered this club. I liked him... so much, but I knew he loves his tablet more than anything in this world so I just let him go. That guy was an obsession that my friends put inside my head. I don't think I even like him... I shook my head and looked back up. It is a dream right? But now he was shaking me so bad that I wanted to puke.
- Tell me, what the hell is inside your brain? Why do you drink yourself out for him? What did he do to be so good that you look at him in that way? He just wants to bang your best friend, why do you let him do it? Wake up and tell her! he was screaming so loud that everyone in the street was looking at us, even my friend from the entrance.
- She knows, I said and smiled. It is ok! I continued.
He just looked at me in disbelief. He couldn't believe me... ok? Hm...
- What is ok? You almost drowning yourself in alcohol because of him or almost getting killed by cold, for him? his face was red and his fingers were so deep in my flesh, but I felt no pain.
- This, you, doing this...
His hands got down and he looked at me again with that angry face.
- What is good in this? he made his eyes very small...
- Nothing! Oh my God! Let me alone... why everyone is asking me the same?! I am OK! I will always be. Why you don't believe it? If she is ok with him, let her be! It is her life, maybe he is a good guy, maybe they will be in love, and have kids, and make a family and everything will work good for them, I don't need to interfere, I am OK!
He kissed me when I got without air. He... he... the one I dreamed so much about, kissed me. My heart was bumbing and wanting to go out of my chest.
I was so happy, then I realized the whole idea and I pushed him.
- Why did you do it? I asked him with my big eyes searching for an answer on his face, but I couldn't find any.
- I just... wanted to make you shut up! You were talking too much nonsense. Saying how much you like him made me angry... he looked away from me.
- Me, like him?? I think you heard bad. I just told you that I don't like him! I just... I thought that was like, but it wasn't. I realized something else... I... I know who am I and what am I, I know nobody will look at me the way I look at them. For them I am just a sex toy, a puppet someone they use and throw. I just get attached of someone to pass the time, I don't like him! He was a creation of my friends. My imagination... it's complicated to explain, but, he... is not what I want, or like.
- I don't understand, he told me trying not to laugh, but his gummy stupid smile appeared anyway. He had such a wired smile, but so cute. I like you, even if you don't like anyone. I do like you and you are not what you say you are. Of course I regret that you left with so many boys and all, but I cannot change the past, I can only hope I can change the future. He hugged me tight and I smiled hugging him back.
- You stupid! I didn't say I don't like anyone. I don't like him... but I do like you. Since the first day I put my foot inside this bar.
- What? When... who? Me?? Why?? he was so surprised that I laughed.
- Because you have all I want from a man as appearance and the loneliness I want to find and to complete. When you posted that you want to find love I was so sad, because I knew someday you will find it, but it won't be me. Now, I think Christmas miracles exist.
He kissed me again and made me forget every bad thing that happened until that moment. He can be the one I could spend my lifetime with... I don't know why, but this kind of dream is what I want for my Christmas. Every year since I was little. My prince charming on his white horse...
Unfortunately, dreams are only for hoping, for living in the night... they are not real.
A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.
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