How?

I always closed my eyes and imagine myself with someone who will care about me more than he can care about his own life, but I realized that this cannot be true.
So, I searched for true love... for something real. Something that can make me feel good and full, but I couldn't find it either. Not yet!
Now I am scared to even try. To even say yes...
Because I passed through a lot of things, I am scared to smile, to talk, to say what I feel.
I am scared that if I got too attached something bad will happen and I will suffer. Again...
Too afraid to fall down I want to block myself in the comfort zone of not feeling anything anymore.
But, will it be possible to live like that?
I am confused and like I said, more than scared of everything around me.
Nobody can promise me that this time everything will be ok. Because I know, and you know that OK is irrelevant and different for everyone.
This confusion is killing me... making me sick.
Jumping at the sound of your messages on my phone, or being afraid to read what you write.
I really want to believe that at least once, I can smile brightly!
I would want to ask myself to be happy... but how can you be happy when you don't know the meaning of that?
How can you feel something you don't know how to feel?
How can I rest assure and be calm, when I was only hurt?
How can you love, when the rest just cut your wings?
How...?